Every New England Town
Too early, ridiculously over-generalized observations on N.E. — Part 1
After 90 days living and driving around Massachusetts, New Hampshire, and Maine, we’ve been here long enough for sweeping generalizations. We begin with New England towns.
It has been decreed by proclamation that every town in New England must have the following:
1. A church — Or two churches. Or three churches. Or 18 churches (Exeter!). And these aren’t Steve Martin in ‘LA Story’ churches (“Some of these buildings are over 20 years old”). New England churches started between 1640–1800. Sadly driving past so many of these historic buildings diminishes their uniqueness. They all become a blur. “Oh look, another wonderful church built in 1736 with an old steeple and weather vane. Just like the last 17 we saw.”
2. Old cemetery — N.E. towns feature historic cemeteries with elaborate gravestones from the 1700s and people born in the 1600s named Ebenezer. And they are prominently placed near major roads or in the town center right next to the…
3. Obligatory historical figure statue — Your classic colonial-era figure in bronze or marble. Or maybe a local hero from the 1800s. Doesn’t matter. Just put out a bronze statue of someone. Anyone. Mandatory!
4. A cannon — Bonus points if the cannon is on a wheeled cart. No battles occurred in your town? Hit up eBay and overnight one. Don’t be that #nocannon loser town.
5. Local airport — With so many planes buzzing overhead in Cape Cod we pondered, “Sheesh does every city on the Cape have its own airport?”. Why yes they do! Cape Cod has 11 local airports or airparks, including one on Martha’s Vineyard. There are no worries when landing your private plane in New England.
6. Old-timey ice cream store — After early colonialists finished constructing churches in the hot sun, they craved a cool treat. Once the first colonial dairy farmer combined ice, sugar, and milk they were on their way — giving birth to the Ye Olde Tyme ice cream store/stand/creamery/shack. Unmissable in EVERY town. The best offer creative flavors such as ‘Vineyard Vanilla’ or ‘Woods Hole Walnut.’ After extensive research, we recommend Haywards outside of Nashua, NH. Get the Caramel Tsunami. Editors note: Rest assured I will never stop researching this particular topic. Science never sleeps.
7. Gold lettered signs — Whether you are the city council or a church or a dentist, you too will have a fancy, hand-carved wooden sign with gold painted letters. Everything is more refined with gold letters.
8. Dunkin’ Donuts — Pardon me, Dunkin’. Just Dunkin’. Re-branding. Their stores are everywhere. Seattle-ites know that there is seemingly a Starbucks on every corner. Dunkin’ is the same with a 93–22 store advantage across the state. We’ve switched to Dunkin’ and prefer their tea. No looking back!
Keep a sharp eye for part 2 of Too early, ridiculously over-generalized observations where I debunk east coast myths including that it’s very cold in the northeast. Hmm not seeing it. We have only had snow 1 day and in fact have enjoyed 70s and 80s and sunny most days. Myth busted!
